so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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