so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
