Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
