hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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