Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
