I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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