If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
