my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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