I just pynch a tree in the face
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
