i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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