my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
