If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
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