he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
