spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
