At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
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