I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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