ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
