My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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