I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
