my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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