I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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