I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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