Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
