What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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