and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
