My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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