It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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