she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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