dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
