You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
