Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
