just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
