i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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