I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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