Need sex. Gaining weight.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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