I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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