fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
