can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
