hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
