Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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