either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
