We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
