i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
