you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
