I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
