Already got asked if we're dating
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Randomize
