There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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