I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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