please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
