You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
