Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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