I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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