what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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