Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Houston, we have a squirter
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
50% drunk capacity currently
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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