I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
