I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
