You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
