Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
