and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
what day is it and did you see me today?
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
