My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
