R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
