Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
