You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
