Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
