my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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