my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
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