pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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