birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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