Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
