Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
