When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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