somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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