I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
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