Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
