the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
