My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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