He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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