Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
