My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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